I went to a whore house tonight.
I’m visiting my hometown of Wells for a couple weeks before heading back to Reno, and, after a stressful semester, I just needed somewhere to blow off some steam for an hour or so.
Oh, and my cousin Amanda went with me.
Back off, people, I’m not a desperate perv – well, at least not like that – we were just going on a tour.
Amanda’s old roommate Liz is in town for a couple days, and, being from out of state, she obviously wanted to visit one of Nevada’s houses off ill repute before heading home.
It just so happens that Wells has two such establishments.
Yeah, that’s right, this town of 1,500 people needs more service than one brothel can provide. I’m actually pretty sure that Wells has the highest brothel-per-capita ratio in America, at least that’s what I say when I’m trying to impress the ladies.
I have no facts or statistics to back up that statement, but one brothel for every 750 citizens seems pretty absurd. After all, that means more than 1 percent of all people in Wells are prostitutes.
Anyway, I joined Amanda, Liz, and another female friend who shall remain nameless so her mother doesn’t flip a lid on a tour of the joint.
Wells’ brothels are actually pretty famous. Former boxing champion Jack Dempsey used to frequent one of them and the two houses share a parking lot and have been featured on HBO before.
We had a drink at the bar and talked about the assortment of merchandise available for purchase – the “I got my big serviced at Donna’s Ranch” was my personal favorite (apparently there's also a popular cook book with x-rated recipes from Nevada most domestically inclined prostitutes, but it was out of stock) – before we were shown around by one of the girls.
I don’t recall her name, but the 45-year-old claimed to have a BA in marketing and a 36C cup size. I believe at least one of those claims.
In all fairness, she was actually a lot of fun and pretty hot.
If I were at a bar and didn’t know she’d been run through by about a 26,000 truckers, I’d probably hit on her. But, then again, I’ve always wanted to be a cougar hunter.
She showed us the sauna, the lounge, and, of course, the "fantasy" room - you know, the obligatory red track-lit room with the big round bed in it.
I was a bit surprised that the house had a tanning bed – which actually makes sense because the girls don’t get out much during the day – and a significant amount of gym equipment – which didn’t seem to make sense because, well, I thought the girls worked out during the job. I guess the fact that sex workers need to take a few laps on the treadmill to stay in shape says something about us men in the sack.
Anyway, she spent a few minutes answering, very bluntly, our questions. She explained the licensing and testing process and told us how she got into the business.
The tour took over an hour, most of which was spent chatting about the industry. I don’t know how much non-sexual interaction the women get during the day, but she seemed stoked to be able to talk to people who didn’t want to A.) explore her orifices or B.) have their orifices explored more often and at a higher price than hers.
Being the only guy in a room with a girl cousin, two female friends, and a hot older woman wearing nothing but a push-up braw and a g-string, my only goal was to get in and out (you know it) without doing or saying anything embarrassing.
I thought I was going to accomplish that goal until the tour ran longer than most, which elicited a bit of teasing.
After the bartender asked what we were all doing in the back for so long, our working girl/tour guide said “There’s not much we could do with five people.”
Liz replied “I bet Garrett could think of a few things.”
Yeah, a few things did come to mind, starting with a blindfold and earmuffs for Amanda.
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