The Hylton Memoirs: November 2008

So apparently this election thing is sort of a big deal. Because I have nothing better to do than lay on my bed and watch the election coverage all night, I’ll be live-blogging this bitch until we know the next president of the United States. Check in periodically if you want my thoughts and commentary on the action.
For full disclosure, I Ba-rocked the vote absentee style last week. I make no claims of objectivity – I think John McCain is a terrible candidate with nonexistent policy, I think Sarah Palin is an incompetent idiot, and I think Obama could be for this generation what presidents like FDR and JFK were to past generations (although BO is a significantly less catchy initial identifier).
Anyway, I hope you all voted and took advantage of your opportunity to be heard. Let the fun begin…

5:22 p.m. - Before we get to this year's election, I think it's only appropriate that we take a moment to remember George W. Bush, an intelligent, articulate Texan whose service we should all be grateful for:

Damn I'm going to miss Ferrell's impersonation.

5:30 - I'll be watching CNN for most of the night, although I'll make sure to flip over to Fox for some good laughs on occasion. I've been getting into a lot of discussions about the "liberal media" over the last month or so. I actually disagree with the statement that the media has given Barack Obama a significant advantage. It's true that most journalists are politically conscious and tend to be liberal, but journalists typically have a warped, odd sense of values that I would say err on the side of libertarian more than anything.

The other thing to remember is that journalists value objectivity above all else. Say what you want, but the fact is, and I've worked in newsrooms, most reporters quite easily put aside personal convictions when covering candidates. If anything, that has helped John McCain. For starters, his campaign has blatantly lied at an astounding rate. He gets away with it because the press won't call him on it. Also, Palin has basically gone through this election without having to face the press. Why? I suspect it has something to do with her being an idiot.

There are a couple blatantly biased networks. If your a conservative, go check out all the brimstone and GOP-felating on Fox news. If you're a hippie, go to MSNBC.

5:45 - The bald dude on CNN just urged people to stay in line at the polls by pointing out that you'll be allowed to vote as long as your in line before polls close. How exactly is that plea supposed to have an impact? I mean, if the people are in line, they are presumably not watching CNN.

Time for some Democrat v. Republican punditry. James Carville and a large GOP man are discussing. Isn't it cute that Carville is wearing a blue shirt and Portly GOP Man is wearing a red tie?

Apparently McCain is having his rally at the Arizona Biltmore in Phoenix...that's where I lived when I interned at the AZ Republic. McCain better watch out for coyotes. They will swipe his fucking puppy if he doesn't.

5:50 p.m. - CNN has a little countdown clock on the bottom of the screen, and the first polls close in about 10 minutes. I haven't been this excited since I found out they were making Transformers into a live-action movie. This is such a huge election and, regardless of who you vote for, I think everybody should be proud of America's turnout. My friend Teal has cried five times today.

5:53 p.m. - They just had a preacher go over how the evangelicals vote. It involves praying and scripture, so excuse me while I go throw up.

6:00 p.m. - The first polls just closed, which means hours and hours of microscopic percentage increases as polling places report.

Somebody just posted on Cafferty's blog that we should return to dueling. I love it. Can you imagine McCain armed with mace (not the spray variety) vs. Obama armed with battle ax? That's a made for pay-per-view event.

6:10 p.m. - For those who are wondering, I am watching tonight's events in my underwear. Yeah, deal with that image and try not to get hot and bothered.

If Obama wins I'll be going out to celebrate in my "Barack is my homebody" t-shirt. If McCain wins I'll begin plotting ways to sneak into Canada or taking placebos and floating toward Cuba. Apparently Teal is the only person watching election coverage in the Joe theater. Come on Reno, go celebrate democracy and support Obama by spiking some blue Powerade.

6:13 - If John McCain were a Lord of the Rings character, he'd definitely be Gollum.

Wolf Blitzer reminds me how much I miss Tom Brokaw.

John King just said "voting booth shenanigans." I don't know whether to laugh or pistol whip him.

6:18 p.m. - Ladies and gentleman, I have an important announcement to make: caffeine supplies for presidential candidates are apparently running out. Switched to Fox News while CNN is on commercial. Commentator said "candidates are running on caffeine and adrenaline and they're just about out of both." I'm not sure what caffeine has against democracy, but if G.W. were running you can bet we'd be anal-probing it for nukes at any second.

Honestly, though, if either candidate is out of caffeine, I suspect there will be an intern getting the axe shortly.

6:25 - Kentucky's polls are starting to report, and McCain holds a reciprocal lead of 63 percent to 36 percent. Shocker there. If Obama's pro-choice politics take hold, Kentucky could see a reduction in population of up to 27 percent (keep in mind that my projections have no margin of error). If that happens, who will work at the Waffle Houses and gas stations and provide erotic accommodations in return for meth?

6:45 - They just showed the park in Chicago where Obama will give his final speech tonight, and there are already thousands of people lined up to get in. CNN reports that they're expecting as many as a million people. It's so inspiring.

I remember the 04 election and how disappointed I was when Kerry lost. But more than that I was disappointed in my generation. We had a chance to be heard and change our country, but we didn't turn out. I was mostly politically apathetic before that election, but knowing that I could make a difference and stand up for my beliefs inspired me to get involved with the process. I don't think I've ever been so discouraged as when it became obvious that other young people didn't care.

This election has woken up America's youth. I still argue that the last election was just as important as this one, but it's clear that we have found our purpose. Every generation has their calling. My grandparents had WWII and my parents had Vietnam. I think this election is ours, and the fact that we've taken advantage of it shows that we've grown up.

6:53 p.m. - Portly GOP Man's real name is William Bennett, just looked it up. I will continue to call him Portly GOP Man (I wonder what his super powers are. Is douche baggery a super power?)

7:00 p.m. - More polls just closed and I'm ready for a nap. Is that bad?

7:15 p.m. - McCain is winning 55-44 in Virginia and leads the race 8-3. So it's probably a little early, but if I were him I'd declare victory now so he could at least get some sort of celebration in.

Whoa...CNN just beamed a chick in from Chicago. First it was that crazy map and now they're using holograms and stuff. This is some scary shit. They're saying the cameras in Chicago talk to the cameras in New York. If CNN's election coverage is the thing that ultimately leads to a Terminator-style man vs. machine war, journalists will never live it down.

7:30 p.m. - Is it just me or CNN using the buddy system in their newsroom? It seems like every analyst is within five feet of another analyst.

Rather than the "let's go to.." bullshit, why can't Wolf just walk over and go "hey, you got anything say? Awesome, now back to the big map."

Or is CNN afraid to leave it's people alone with the machines?

7:40 p.m. - We're one percent of the way home and Obama leads. What does that mean? absolutely nothing.

I flipped over to PBS a few minutes ago and thought they were running a Tales From the Crypt marathon. Wow, those guys are older than McCain. I can now safely project at least one heart attack and several frustrated attempts at peeing for the PBS anchors tonight.

7:55 p.m. - ABC projects McCain will win South Carolina, meaning McCain leads 16-3.

If McCain wins the election at least I'll have 4-8 years of VP/First Lady/me threesome dreams. When has that ever been an election perk?

Which reminds me. Who do you think is hotter...Sarah Palin or Cindy McCain? McCain's a foxy temptress, but I go with Palin based solely on power. Plus, she has those cute glasses.

8:00 p.m. - Florida just officially closed, and I'm anxious to see if Obama can maintain his lead. People have been asking me since I moved to Miami how I think the election will fall, and it's tough to say. If you look at the rallies, Obama's been drawing huge crowds. I was at his appearance in downtown Miami two weeks ago and there were 30,000 people. McCain? Not so much. He hasn't been drawing very well. At the same time, a lot of Miami seems to be falling his way. Most of the people I know are McCain supporters. We'll see.

8:03 p.m. - Now we're getting down to business. CNN just called a bunch of states - Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Jersey, DC, Delaware and Maryland for Obama and Oklahoma, Tennessee, and South Carolina for McCain. Obama leads 77-44. ABC is reporting that Obama will win Pennsylvania. If that's the case, McCain has a very tough road to win the election.

CNN and ABC offer an interesting tradeoff. CNN has by far the best analysis and commentary, but ABC always prides itself on the earliest projection. The issue? Sometimes ABC is wrong, but not usually. Still, I prefer CNN.

8:25 p.m. - My cousin Amanda voted for McCain. If my family was the deciding factor in the election, it would probably fall somewhere along the lines of McCain 14-Obama 4. I'm not proud of that.

8:30 p.m. - Family vote correction. McCain 14-Obama 3-Nader 1. Nice dad.

8:40 p.m. - CNN is projecting Pennsylvania for Obama...booyah.

9:00 p.m. - Just talked to grandpa...he voted Nader and Grandma voted Obama. I'm good with that. CNN calls Minnesota, Michigan, New York, Rhode Island and Wisconsin for Obama and Wyoming and North Dakota for McCain. No surprises there.

9:01 p.m. - Teal cry count is up to 6.

9:05 p.m. - The CNN people just discussed how race is seemingly a non-factor in this election. If Obama becomes the first Black president, this is certainly a turning point in American history. To be honest, I questioned whether enough Americans would be comfortable with voting for a Black president. This is tremendous. Racism will never go away, but it's pretty clear that skin color is becoming less and less important. That can only be a good thing.

Interestingly, I've noticed that race seems to be much more important for the people voting against him than the people voting for him. Obviously there are a lot of white people, and many of them won't admit it, who are very uncomfortable with voting for a Black man. Conversely, a lot of the black supporters don't seem to care that Obama is Black. Most of the Black people I've talked to have said that it would be extremely meaningful and emotional to have a Black president, but that's not why they are voting for him. They are part of his Change movement.

9:13 p.m. - I wonder if Ruptured Scrotum will be playing before Obama's acceptance speech (that one's for you Kepa).

9:20 p.m. - Setting the Presidential election aside for a moment, it's also important to note the Democrats' major pickups in the Senate. They're already raking in the wins, and it looks like they'll easily reach the 60 senators needed for a working majority. As much as I want Obama to be president for who he is and what he has to offer, it's equally important that our government is in position to actually get something done. At this point it looks like that will be a given.

My grandpa had some insight on this subject. He's pretty much been calling this for months based on his experience living through the Great Depression, WWII and Vietnam. Whenever times get tough Americans make a change regardless of who is in office. That's what is happening tonight. I think this also tells why America will work its way out of this recession, and it has nothing to do with the dems. Whenever our well-being is in trouble, we get motivated to act for change. The voter turnout in this election is expressive of that. No matter who they voted for, America's people are participating in this election. I think that will carry over to making the changes we need to make over the next couple years. Maybe it was time for change regardless.

9:22 p.m. - Teal cry count moves to 7 with the Selma reference.

9:25 p.m. - In order to test how many people are actually reading, what are you all feeling/thinking/doing right now? Let me hear it.

9:34 p.m. - CNN calls Ohio for Obama. That's huge. As they've been saying all night, no Republican has ever won the presidential election without carrying Ohio. The big issue, though, is that McCain is running out of chances. He had to - HAD TO - find a way to win the battleground states and flip Pennsylvania. At this point, it doesn't look like there's any way for him to do it, thank God. If Florida goes to Obama this night will be over early.

Teal pointed out that the woman covering the McCain camp (Dana Bash) in Phoenix looks amazingly similar to Cindy McCain. I didn't notice that before. But there is a strangely strong resemblance.

9:44 p.m. - Just opened beer No. 1. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. It tastes like home. I'm still sitting around in my underwear, just drinking beer and watching TV. I could be a NASCAR fan. Awesome.

McCain's screwed. At this point I think it's safe to say that it's damn near impossible for him to win.

10:00 p.m. - Obama gets Iowa and McCain gets Utah and Kansas. I can reconcile with that. I actually don't know what I'd do if Utah and I shared similar values. I just can't respect a state that eats jello with such conviction and didn't allow real beer at the Olympics.

10:05 p.m. - Also worth noting that Iowa is where this all started back in January. I remember Obama's speech and how inspired I was. Iowa is also where all the "he's just a speech" jazz began. The thing is, I don't understand why it's so easy to discount his power as an orator. I've been in leadership positions before, and as far as I'm concerned motivating and uniting the people around you is the biggest part of the job. We can argue about his policy all we want, but the fact remains that Congress will hold most of that power. Even in the executive branch, it's not so much Obama as the people around him who design that policy. But Obama can motivate and unite and work to find a middle ground with America's allies. He has a unique perspective of the world because of how he was raised. He understands how life works outside of the US and that will only serve him well in repairing America's reputation on an international level.

Diminish his speaking ability all you want, but it's one of the most important qualities a president can have.

or, if you prefer, the all-time classic:

10:11 p.m. - McCain grabs Arkansas, Obama leads 207-89. In the sports business, we call this a blowout.

10:24 p.m. - John McCain tonight extended his winning streak to three states by grabbing wins in Texas and Mississippi. In other news, nobody cared (except for Texas, of course, because Texans really love Texas).

10:36 p.m. - Garrett Hylton can officially project that Sean Hannity is an asshole.

I just browsed the TV stations. Hannity wasn't actually on Fox News when I looked, but that station always reminds me of how detestable he is. Also, it's become obvious to me that I'm a horrible young adult. I completely forgot about Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart's Comedy Central. Whoops.

10:42 p.m. - Garrett Hylton can now officially project that Barack Obama is the next president of the United State. Virginia just went Obama, and there's just no way McCain can get to 270. He'd have to flip California, Oregon and Washington, and run the table elsewhere, and that's just not going to happen.

I'm going to reserve excitement until this is official, but I will crack beer No. 2. Remember, projections made by Garrett Hylton have no margin of error.

10:46 p.m. - Will.I.Am is in studio on CNN via hologram, and I'm still a little freaked out. Will.I.Am produced the greatest viral political campaign video ("Yes We Can") of all time. I already posted it above. Take a look.

10:48 p.m. - Fox News just announced Virginia for Obama and the studio crew looks somebody just punted a puppy tied to a kitten...In Karl Rove's case, like somebody didn't just kick a puppy.

10:55 p.m. - William Bennett is about to leave coverage...I'm not sure if I can contain my emotions. Buh-bye.

11:00 p.m. - IT'S OFFICIAL!!! CNN is calling the election...Ba-rock and Roll. Shit is going crazy in Chicago.

11:07 p.m. - Teal's cry count has reached double digits, which might be a single-day record (although it's not nearly as impressive as this year's voter turnout, and you know what I'm talking about if you've ever watched a movie with her). I'm having a difficult time articulating just how good this feels. Hearing Dr. King's words and seeing the celebration in Kenya was so moving. I know I'm only 23, but four years ago I never would have imagined that our country would accomplish what it did tonight. Barack Obama is such a powerful motivator, and, for the first time in my life, he created a movement successfully united Americans behind a single message - change. I was so frustrated, disappointed and disheartened four years ago when Bush was re-elected, and tonight singularly makes up for it.

Our job is not done, racism still exists, and Obama still have to justify the faith we have instilled in him. But, for the first time in my life, I feel like I mattered, and that what my generation believes matters.

11:18 p.m. - McCain takes the stage in Phoenix and concedes the race. "We have come to the end of a long journey, the American people have spoken, and they have spoken clearly." McCain is an American hero. He has provided great service to this country. I just think he got too bogged down in his own political party to present a legitimate challenge to Obama. Rather than building on his reputation established through several hard-fought decades in the Senate, McCain resorted to attacking Obama on a personal level and fear-mongering among the GOP base. He picked a vice presidential candidate both idiotic and incompetent for the job for the sake of energizing a decaying party. He appeared lost, policy-less and incapable of running a country. He did not live up to his reputation, and that is what is truly disappointing about McCain's campaign. He owed us more. He owed himself more.

11:26 p.m. - Veepzilla has a huge smile on her face. I'm sure we'll be putting up with her bullshit in four years. I don't have much respect for the McCain/Palin ticket, but at least McCain has done something in the past deserving of respect. Palin is just bat shit crazy. And ignorant, which compounds the issue.

11:30 p.m. - Obama officially takes Florida...you're welcome America. Technically, this means very little. Obama was winning anyway, but you know how much America loves a blowout. I'm all for running up the score in this bitch.

The only thing left is too listen to Obama and see if Nevada falls Dem...it's pretty overwhelming at this point, but it's still early.

I've got to be honest, the presidential election has become a lot like the Super Bowl. The coverage has been going on all damn day, and the important part will last roughly an hour. Now we just need better commercials.

11:33 p.m. - Garrett Hylton can officially project that he has a man-crush on David Gergen. Gotta love that insightful man with his graceful messages and his soft, grainy voice.

11:35 p.m. - Anderson Cooper just announced that George W. Bush called to congratulate Obama. I bet that went real well:

GW: "Ey, there, Berick, this is President Bush. Dick Cheney told me you're going to win. I don't believe in numbers, but, uh congratulations."
BO: "Thank you Mr. President. I can only hope to continue, well, change, basically undo everything you did."
GW: "Yeah, well, I didn't always like your strategary and I think you've got hate in your heart, but, uh, well, God knows you're not as creepy as that McCain guy.(creepy Bush laugh)."
BO: "..."
GW: "Well, I'll let you get back to your celebrating and what not, but, uh, this job is so hard. Honestly, man, I thought I was going to get to live in the White House, you know, play poker on the lawn with Cheney and the boys, and tell some people what to do."
BO: "..."
GW: "OK, well that's it for me. There's a fifth of scotch in the air conditioning vent in the Oval Office and my collection of nudie mags is somewhere in the Lincoln Room. So if you find those magazines, could you go ahead and send those back. Seriously, have you seen my wife. (creepy Bush laugh)."

11:55 p.m. - I realize I was a little harsh on Sarah Palin before, so let me clarify...I would totally still do her. Actually, I'm putting her in my top five because of the potential I hate the essence of your being frolicking.

11:57 p.m. - Playing "Higher and Higher" to introduce Obama sort of brings this election full circle for me. Why? Ghostbusters. Who you gonna call?

11:58 p.m. - I just got goosebumps as they announced Obama as the next president of the United States. "Change has come to America."

Yay, new puppy for the Obama children...Just keep Karl Rove away.

Obama, as always, is in fine form. I don't think there was any doubt this speech would be elegant, but I'm more impressed with his conviction and the look in his eyes. Obama looks determined and he's already started to position his campaign to start governing and prepare for Jan. 20. If he can deliver on his promise, nobody will regret this election. This is an encouraging start, as trivial as it might be.

12:20 a.m. - That's pretty much a home run of a speech. He brought it home well, bringing his movement full circle with the "Yes we can" finale. He did exactly what he needed to do, which was to appreciate the moment with a keen eye on the work to be done. The speech wasn't about him, it was about us getting something done.

12:30 a.m. - To clear up a few other details, Obama owned Nevada and Washoe...that's spectacular. I think one of the fantastic things about this election is that it's obvious people turned out and voted. I spent $27.50 to overnight mail my absentee ballot to get it in on time because I thought it was important, and it's obvious other people felt the same way. I'm stoked that both of my states took care of business tonight.

Unfortunately, it looks like Prop 8 is going to pass in California, which will take away rights from gay couples. That's too bad, I think it's clear that will be our country's next big rights battle.

12:41 a.m. - Alright, so this was fun...or something like that. I've been blogging for more than seven hours and I'm pretty sure I have arthritis in both hands now. But with Obama's health insurance plan, I'm sure I have nothing to worry about. Anyway, it's time for me to decide whether my "Barack is my homeboy" t-shirt and I will be enjoying a night on the town or if pizza, beer and scrubs is the better decision. So it's time to bring this little experience to a close. I'm beyond excited about Barack Obama being president. It is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to Will Ferrell's George W. Bush impersonations. I rue the day when Sarah Palin crawls back into the public eye. And, finally, I'm glad that John McCain will finally be able to enjoy his senior citizen discount in piece. And I totally want his wife (She's 18 years younger than he is...seriously?)