I think I get it

I finally understand "The Existential Crisis" I've been struggling through for the last few months.

I actually think I knew what was wrong all along, but it was so obvious and clear that I never really took the time to consider it. It seems like most of life's problems work out that way, at least for me.

Anyway, I just got back from a bar, and yes, I understand that's probably not the best place for soul searching and self-discovery, but tonight was different.

The Cattlemen's Convention was in town this week - I don't expect most of you to understand this - and some people who I haven't seen in a really long time, but who are very dear to me, were partying it up.

My freshman year roommate and a guy from my hometown who inspired me to go after most of the things I did in high school were in town, and I got to spend some time with them. Both of them talked to me about my impending internship with The Miami Herald, which was sort of surprising because I haven't really shared that with that many people yet.

But the discussion gave me some perspective on my problem.

The future I've worked so hard for is one that most people in my situation and most of the people that mean something in my life think is a good thing.

My dilemma is that I'm not so sure that's what I want for my life anymore, and I can't explain why. I've discovered that the twisting feeling in my stomach is because I'm scared to turn away from something because I can't think of a good reason to justify it (not the internship, I want to do the internship, I'm just not sure what to do after it's over).

This is hard, because until this year, I can honestly say that I've never really been scared of anything (except for, you know, like vampires and zombies).

Anyway, this realization doesn't simplify anything. I still don't know the answer to my situation, but at least I know what the real issue is.

Maybe I don't need a reason to choose my own path. Maybe the real choice isn't about fear at all but for me to find the courage to pursue the things that really matter to me despite what I might be giving up.

Or maybe I should just drink more beer. The world is a mysterious place.