Garrett has moment of self-reflection; quesitions sexuality

It pains me to admit this, but there are occasional moments when I catch myself doing something that forces me to reevaluate my sexual orientation.
I’d like to think that I’m a man’s man, but there’s just too large a body of evidence that suggests otherwise.
I mean, yeah, I do have an obscenely considerable knowledge of sports, I’m a big supporter of beer, and I have the wildest mane of hair in the history of barber-free lifestyles, but I also shower several times a day, pink’s my favorite color, and I understand where Dr. Phil is coming from (even though I still hate him).
Tonight I was intermittently watching 10 AFI 10’s (the top 10 movies in 10 different genres as decided by the American Film Institute, not the band) and listening to music when I found myself dancing to Madonna’s “Like A Prayer.”
After pausing for a few moments, it occurred to me that this wasn’t the most hetero thing a guy could do in the privacy of his living room.

In fact, I’m not sure I’ve heard a straight man admit that he likes Madonna, let alone have her on the playlist.
Before I start exploring my straightness, let me say that I probably spend so much time on this subject because I really couldn’t care less either way.
I’m one of the approximately 7 rural Americans that supports gay marriage and I have absolutely no problem with homosexuality.
Even if people could choose between being gay and straight – which they can’t – I don’t see why it should matter (I mean honestly, even if you’re absolutely appalled by the idea of two dudes getting it on – for some reason it’s only wrong for guys – how does someone else’s lifestyle affect your life?).
I’m also constantly reminded of my tendencies by a cult following of friends who are astounded that I’m straight.
Because of this, I developed a list 5 questions to determine sexuality.

1. Likes pink? It’s probably fair to say that I own more pink than any sportswriter in America. I still don’t understand why pink is any more gay than, say, yellow. I mean pink is only a gay color for guys because some stupid nurse back in the day gave a little girl the pink hoodie. If it had gone the other way, my hot pink bedding would make me more of a man.

2. Showers obsessively? At least twice a day, and it’s usually just because I enjoy the warm splash and cleansing steam. I have no defense.

3. How much do you like shopping? I like it a lot. One of my top three motivations becoming famous is the free clothes, shoes, and accessories. Here’s the kicker, though, I’m not sure that shopping is gay. Like I said, I know a bunch of gay guys that hate shopping. And I don’t even need to address the metrosexual issue.

4. Would you rather be Connery Bond or Brosnan Bond? You might be questioning this question, but I assure you that it reveals a great deal about a man. Sure, both guys play the same suave secret agent, but there are inherent differences. Connery might be smooth, but he’s rough around the edges. He’s not a pretty boy like Brosnan, and his accent is killer (plus he could bag every woman and gay man in the world born after 1960). Brosnan, on the other hand, had way sweeter gadgets than Connery. He got to drive an Ashton Martin Vanquish, after all. Guys may be all about toys, but I’d still prefer Connery.

5. If given the chance, would you rather make out with High Jackman or Kirsten Dunst? Obviously this the “are you in to dudes or chicks?” question, but with a twist. This is the ultimate test because Jackman is so goddamned handsome and, if given a choice of all the starlets in Hollywood, most men would say that Dunst is the least sexually appealing. This is especially tough for me, because Kirsten “Fangs” Dunst could be a model for bad teeth pamphlets, and poor dental hygiene is a deal breaker for me. Would you do her because she’s a star and moderately attractive?

As usual, my answers to the first four questions were not conclusively straight, so my sexuality was left to question No. 5. Bad teeth really do bother me, so I was having a tough time saying that I’d make out with Dunst.
I was starting to get worried about actually thinking that Jackman was a better choice when Jessica Alba came on the screen to host one of the categories and I wasn’t even angry about her shitty acting skills (her biggest contributions to Hollywood all involve her wearing leather. She was even terrible in Entourage, and she was playing herself for God’s sake).
Turns out I still really, really, really dig what you females have going on. And that’s all that matter.
Now back to jamming to the Material Girl.